Counseling Techniques of Hostage Remediation

Introduction

The following ideas in counseling abortion-determined women who are (in essence) holding an unborn baby hostage is derived from the book: Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. The author was a top FBI hostage negotiator. While he wrote the book from the perspective of his specific work, the insights in human behavior can give us some guidance in how we “negotiate” with abortion-determined moms. We have summarized six main points gleaned from the book, and under each, made suggestions geared to our specific work on the sidewalk.

We do want to caution that this is not a Christian book, and there is certainly language in the book we would not use. So while there are nuggets of insight in the book which we can apply to the Sidewalk, we do not wholeheartedly recommend the book because of the secular nature of it.

Avoid using the word “I”

The women we encounter are in crisis. They do not want to hear about what we think is best. They are self-focused and in turmoil. We have to be careful not to make our initial interactions about us or our perspective, but about them. We can acknowledge their perspective without agreeing with it.

By using questions that do center around their actions and feelings, we are setting up the opportunities for them to say no. In the next few sections, we will point out why that can be beneficial in negotiating a desirable outcome.

Suggested statements:

• Are you here for an abortion?
• Are you afraid?
• Are you overwhelmed?
• Do you feel your situation is impossible?
• Do you feel too young and not ready for a baby?
• Are you being coerced?
• Are you feeling like you are looking at a bleak future?
• What are your dreams and goals?
• Are you afraid of losing your dreams and goals?

Additionally, we should be careful in presenting our opinion. We can state facts that again keep the focus off of us. Matching what the Bible says to deal with the struggles stated above can be a good starting place.

• The Bible says nothing is impossible with God.
• The Bible reminds us 365 times do not fear.
• The Bible says be anxious about nothing.
• The Bible says God knows the plans He has for you, plans to give you a future and a hope.
• Give facts about fetal development

Acknowledge the worst possible light the person may be putting you in

Putting their worst perception of us and what they likely heard from the call center and the pro-abortion escorts is a pre-emptive acknowledgment of what they may be thinking. It is disarming to let them know this is what they may be thinking or have heard. It gives us the opportunity to assure them those terrible things are not true.

Suggested statements:

• You may have heard that we are here to judge and to condemn you.
• You may also believe that we are lying about offering help.
• You may believe we are protesters, and religious fanatics in a cult.
• You may have heard we are pro-birth but that is all we care about.
• You may think we want to limit your rights.
• You may believe you want us to force you to do what you do not want to do.
• We are actually hear to offer hope and tangible help.
• We are from all kinds of different denominations and a nation-wide ministry.
• We have helped thousands of moms in crisis like you. Would you like to talk with one of them?

Early on, aim for the person to answer a question with, “No.” 

The reason for this is somewhat counterintuitive. In our society, we are geared towards politeness. We often say yes for the sake of being peaceful. Sometimes, the yes isn’t genuine. If the person we are counseling first says no, she feels safe and more assured that she is negotiating on her own terms. For example, if we ask “Are you feeling afraid?” And she answers no, she has taken some control of our perception of her. This can increase a feeling of safety. If she answers yes later on, it will more likely be genuine. 

Suggested Statements that could well lead to a no answer:

• Are you angry with me for trying to offer you help here?
• Do you want me to have you do what I want you to do whether you like it or not?
• Do you want me to judge you?
• Do you want me to tell you what I really think about this place?
• Do you want to hear the full list of all the reasons you should not abort in my opinion?

Actively listen, by repeating back to the person what they are telling you. 

In a negotiation between two parties, there are four voices talking.

• What the other person is actually saying
• what you are actually saying
• the voice inside of the other person’s head crafting their argument
• the voice inside of your own head crafting an argument

When we repeat back to people what they are saying, it quiets our own inner voice, because we have to listen carefully to be able to repeat back to them. Additionally, it quiets their voice, because it makes them feel safe. They hear that we are being careful to listen and understand them.

Name the person’s feelings to signal that you empathize with them.

This is an expansion of the first point. However, at this point, You are acknowledging that you understand all those things going on inside them are hard. This also harkens back to the point about opportunities for them to say no which gives them a sense of control in this situation. If they disagree on any of these points and say no, they are more likely to feel they can be honest in the discussion about other things.

• Are you are feeling scared and overwhelmed?
• it must be lonely with so many people you care about telling you to take the baby’s life or they will abandon you.
• How betrayed you must have felt when the boyfriend left you after finding out you were pregnant.
• How hopeless life must feel at the moment with no job, no home, and this new baby.
• It maybe feels futile and impossible to overcome this addiction since you have tried so many times in the past.
• You want to be a good mother but do not feel you have what it takes.

Be cheerful and winsome most of the time; use a downward inflection in your voice when it is time to be assertive.

Many women have told us that they found our message compelling because we were everything they were not. They were conflicted; we were certain. They were hopeless; we offered hope. They were walking away from God; we were showing how they could return to Him. They were terrified and in chaos; we were calm and peaceful.

The women are despairing and depressed, feeling lost. We are filled with the sincere joy of the Lord and certain HE is the answer and He has sent us to be His hands and feet. If that is our foundation and anchor, it will be communicated by our countenance, optimism, and kindness. Such a demeanor is winsome and attracts people to us.

However, just being empathetic, understanding, good listeners, and kind, joyful people will not likely lead to a changed life or saved baby. We must also confront with truth in a loving, gracious way. We must be bold. We are called to mercy AND truth.

I have found that I find myself doing specific things as I present hard truths.

• Slow my speech
• Keep my tone gentle and kind
• Lower my vocal pitch
• Have them read out loud convicting verses that I show them
• Ask them what that verse means
• Keep steady eye contact
• Ask questions that are hard and PAUSE until they answer.

Such questions might be:

1. Do you believe in God?
2. What would God have you do?
3. What does Hebrews 10:26 tell you?
4. Is Jesus truly Lord of your life if you disregard the 6^th commandment and continue living the way you have been living?
5. Does abortion honor God?
6. Who do you believe you are serving with the choice for abortion: God or Satan?

Summary
Ultimately, it is not our methods or our eloquence that saves babies or lives. It is the work of God alone that does that. However, understanding truths about human nature can be beneficial in how we interact with the people we encounter on the sidewalks of abortion centers. These guidelines may help us be better equipped to negotiate for the life of the babies, and ultimately, for transferring the mom’s trust from the abortion industry to Jesus.